By Ouanessa Nana
Unease trickles and disquiet festers as it wriggles through my brain, creases the cobwebs, and locks me in mental chains.
My voice split, the cleft fracturing a fresh wound in my throat and the ligaments in the edge of my jaw shuddered and I almost buckled from the pain. They were always there, the sharp slices as decay destroyed my teeth. I wanted to rip my gums out, shove everyone out of the way, and beg, my knees scraping against the ground, wondering why the hell did it get so bad? Why did I always sacrifice myself for someone else?
And why was it never enough?
When people saw me, all they saw was beauty, a perfect mirage of a button nose, dark eyes, shiny soft skin, white teeth, a specter so bright, I almost believed it too. But I could feel my flesh rotting, it would sneak up on me in the quietest moments when I let my heart get too still.
A kindled enamel fractured with black. Neglect was wicked, its bloodthirsty decline achingly sedated.
I started dodging my friends, deflecting, cutting them off one by one and I flinched when I thought about how they would feel.
But how do you explain it? How would they understand my anguish, the discomfort I felt when we threw away money on things for a millisecond of satisfaction, the adrenaline that tricked you into thinking that you were okay when your life was being held together by a thread?
The stakes were higher for me, it was pain or happiness, freedom or broken teeth. So I buried my nose in my books, let the guilt snag between the pages, avenged my mistakes, and vowed to put myself first.
At the dentist office, my breath strains, the fabric of my blazer catching.